If You Wanna Be My Lover

An open letter to potential future partners. Terms and conditions subject to change and updates will be posted in a timely manner.

Dear Future Partner,

I write this for several reasons. Because we shouldn’t have to lower our standards. Because we should know our own worth and demand nothing less. Because we should know what we offer in exchange.

Let me start off by saying I have a lot of demands and set the bar very high for a future partner. I don’t pretend to be an uncomplicated person, but I do assert that I am a catch. There is a high yield on your investment in me.

I am very smart. I am both formally educated (AA, BA, MA and PhD in progress) as well as several trades and I read everything under the sun. I’m a lovely addition to any dinner party. I can talk the pants off of anyone and discuss any topic imaginable. Intellectual conversation is highly important to me, but I’m just as easily can slip into discussion the latest season of The Walking Dead or Fight Club and all the theories behind it.

I love to cook and I am such a giver when it comes to that. I love to cook for others and make special meals. Now, I’m not just any ordinary cook, but I’m good, like really good: full five course meal good.

I know how to clean and keep a tidy home. Not OCD or clean freak AT ALL! This is a weird, special combination where I may keep my own area really disastrous but communal spaces are kept tidy. In other words, I know how to keep house for myself and hang up pictures on the wall and fix anything around the house. I don’t need a repair person in my life, just someone to hold the ladder once in a while.

I handle my shit. I’ve changed my own tires and oil since the age of 18. I can drive a standard, stick-shift car in the middle of LA traffic. However, I hate driving. Never liked it and much prefer public transport, especially trains. I love it when someone else drives me.

I am a feminist. I believe in equality. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy someone opening the door for me (I thank strangers for doing this all the time!). I love someone holding my hand to help me get out of a car or make sure I cross the street alright. Picking up the check? Love it and I got it next time! Believing I can fix something on my own, but doing it anyways because you know I am busy— love it to the moon and back! 

I love to sew. This means I love creating my own little things as well as do alterations. As my partner you enjoy the benefits of a keen eye for fabrics and ensembles as well as someone who can sew that button back on any time.

I am a licensed cosmetologist. I enjoy doing this work, even if it not my primary entry of money. As my partner you enjoy free haircuts and beauty advice.

I am financially independent and responsible. I love working for my money. Now, I don’t object to  discounts or gifts at all, but I’d never be ok with being someone’s sugar baby. I enjoy my work and hustle very much to pay for my existence, my education and all my little luxuries which include traveling, trips to museums and theatre shows raspberries, fresh flowers and a large wardrobe.

I am low materially low-maintenance. I don’t care about brand names or only having pure 100% silk pajamas or Gucci couture. I love gifts from the 99cent store as much as fine jewelry; it all means something to me. However, I do appreciate the finer things in life, but don’t require it in my life. I love going to a hole in the wall place as much as a fine restaurant.

I am emotional high maintenance, but I am also the most empathetic person. As much as I will ask someone to listen to me rant I will gladly hold you through your worst hour. I am aware of my mood swings and give fair warning when I am not in a good headspace and I expect someone to be just as fair and flexible in their understanding.

I like alone time as much as quality time spent together. I am aware that everyone needs their own space and time alone as do I. I am also aware there has to be a balance. I’m not one to not see or hear from you at all for months and feel ok about that. I need some check in.

I come from a family that values good hospitality and gratefulness. Yes, this means never showing up to someone’s home empty-handed and having all your please and thank you’s in line. Common courtesy is not that much to expect from someone who is going to be in my life.

Even with everything I am doing in my life right now (PhD in Literature at NYU, teaching, writing, creating art) I want to accomplish so much more in life. I have dreams bigger than the desert sky and want someone who has dreams that can align with mine. Someone who wants more than a simple life; who wants a magical life.

I am artistic and creative and need someone who understands and appreciates art. I’m not saying I don’t use rationality, but I need someone who understands and loves the artistic lifestyle. More than understanding, I want someone who loves that kind of life. 

I am open to communication and sharing feelings. I want someone to do the same. You cannot be closed off and not be open to ironing out the wrinkles between us.

I think by any standard I am beautiful. Not just beautiful like in the “damn fine I’d like to fuck her” way, but in the quirky “she’s wearing a donut printed skirt” kind of way. My style is my own and I am confident in that. I like people who dress up and take pride in their appearance. This is not a matter of vanity, but in that I believe my body is my daily canvas. I am my own artwork everyday! Take me anywhere I am sure to make a splash, I promise to turn heads.

I love deeply as tectonic plates. I am probably the most emotional person ever and sensitive as shit, but this also means I am capable of loving people so deeply that it hurts me when others hurt them and I’ll go out of my way to make sure you are happy. Earn my trust, earn my love and you’ll never feel the end of it.

I love to travel and I want to go on so many more adventures. I have no problem going by myself, but I do enjoy going with others. I look forward to seeing so many more places in the world. Living in other places? Yes, I’m also open to the idea.

I am in tune with my culture (Mexican indigenous mixed with European) and speak three languages as well as phrases in five other languages. I love learning about other cultures and languages, but being Mexican is a huge part of my identity and I want someone who can appreciate and embrace that.

I am open-minded and need someone who can jive with that. I want someone comfortable with open views on marriage, sexuality, alternative lifestyles and changes going on in the world.

I believe in a higher power and I am very spiritual. I believe in past lives and karma, but I am respectful of everyone’s personal beliefs. I am also aware that my own views change and are open to changing in the future.

I am high and low art combined. I am just as open to going to a burlesque show as to the opera. I can enjoy a rodeo or a symphony. I am also retro-vintage as  much as I am modern. All levels of things are enjoyable and I want someone to be as flexible since I enjoy both worlds.

I am responsible and expect someone to be the same. I confirm when we are meeting for lunch, I try to make it exactly on time and I want someone to value my time the same.

I enjoy going out as much as I enjoy staying in and am flexible with trying new things, new foods. I am the least picky person.

I’m sexually open to suggestion. I love lingerie, dressing up, dancing, oh did I mention I bellydance? I can keep it fun and interesting and want someone who appreciates it when I wear a corset under my dress and hooker heels to dinner.

I have worked on myself a lot and continue to grow and improve. Overall I am a catch and I’m fucking delightful!

I demand excellence.

I demand the best.

I am worth all this and much more.

 

Muah,

Yollotl Azure Lopez